This homage to Little Shop of Horrors is dedicated to the type of person who let’s their dog lick them in the mouth.

A young girl led them up to their suite. She went through all the check-in procedures in the room, rather than at a front desk. Beatrice glowered at Seymour while he exercised his tired and useless charms on the little strumpet. The girl let out a giggle at something he said when he handed over his American Express. An AmEx gold card was like a magic laughter wand; just wave it around and covetous wide-eyed girls found an old man funnier than any stand up comic.

The room was about what she expected. Pretentious luxury hotel opulence fought for purchase amongst the cheesy Southwestern décor. From a sliding glass door, she saw the supposed scenic view: a forest of Saguaro cactus flipping her the bird as they climbed the side of the Santa Catalina Mountains.

Genre: Paranormal
Length: Short Story
Current Status: Submission Limbo

Filed under: Writing by Ed No Comments »

Topics: Excerpts

The good news is that the weekend was productive. I hammered out a 3k+ word short story titled “Clovis. ” It’s a homage to Little Shop of Horrors, with a strong influence from Confederacy of Dunces. Try to imagine if Ignatius J. Reilly was a crazy dog lady. I’ll put up an excerpt after I’ve done some editing.

The bad news is that I received the umpteenth rejection for “The Bleam Corp Chili Cook-Off.” This is the first story I ever had the Cojones to submit for publication, so I’m not that surprised. I may decide to post it here. It has its flaws, and it’s clearly not up to traditional publishing standards, but what’s the Internet good for, if not for publishing the unpublishable?

Then again, do I want to display my failed fiction to potential agents or publishers? That is assuming I may one day be lucky enough to lure one such as they to my Podunk corner of the web. I may just retire it to the neither regions of my hard drive. I’ll have to think on the matter.

Filed under: News by Ed No Comments »

Topics: Rejection, WIP, Writing

Have you ever written something and then showed it to a friend, only to be rewarded with a response like, “it’s good,” or, “I like it,” or, “I thought I had a restraining order against you?”

They mean well, but a writer can never improve without honest feedback. C. S. Lewis and J.R. R. Tolkien used to swap advice. You could ask one of the for help, but I think you’d have better luck with a site called Critique Circle.

The basic premise of the site is that you critique the work of other writers in exchange for other writers critiquing your work. I’ve found it to be a priceless resource, and a great way to connect with other authors. The forums are also useful, as most forums are, for distracting me, so I can avoid getting anything done. (Also useful for this: IMDB)

I once joined an online writer’s group that required each member to do a review once every week on whichever story was up in the rotation. This was a fair system, but I found I just didn’t have the time to give the stories the feedback they deserved every single week, and then come up with something of my own in time for my turn. Critique Circle does not cause me this kind of time management indigestion.

The site works on a credit system. For every story you critique, you get credits. You use those credits to put your own story up for review. This way you can earn your credits when you have the time. Reciprocal critiques are encouraged, but not required, and no one yells at you if you don’t participate in that way. At least no one yells at me. Of course, it might have something to do with my menacing glower.

Another benefit is the variety of feedback you’re likely receive. There are a few grammar police on patrol, but don’t let that frighten you. They aren’t going to write you a ticket for improper umlaut usage, and make you pay a fine in ellipsis dollars. They’re usually just going to tell you what you’ve done wrong, and how to fix it. Who could ask for more?

The majority of CC residents are aspiring authors. Some of them are very talented. Some of them have a long way to go. All of them are capable of giving an opinion, and though it may not come from a seasoned literary agent, that doesn’t mean it isn’t valuable.

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Topics: Writing

Search the web and you can find more articles and tutorials covering Cascading Style Sheets than you can find unruly children in Walmart. But I had to learn a lot about CSS to create this site, so I’m going to talk about it anyway.

CSS is sort of like a magic spell the Gandalfs of the Internet cast over various web documents. (Cascading Style Spells?) These spells tell a browser where things go on a page, and what they should look like when they get there.

I’m not going to discuss the nuts and bolts (wands and potions?) of CSS. Maybe someday, if I can figure out how to make such a tutorial without boring everyone to tears, I will do so. For now, I just want to share a few of morsels of knowledge I’ve picked up in my travels.

1. Internet Explorer Sucks
While most other browsers comply with web standards, Microsoft feels they are above such petty rules. It’s bad enough that a web designer has to contend with a Dwarven treasure trove of ancient browsers, but the maker of the most widely used browser doesn’t think they need to be part of the solution.

2. Making the Simple Complicated
CSS can do a lot, but sometimes it takes enormous effort to accomplish a very simple task. For example, you might expect there would be a simple alignment function that would allow you to horizontally center an object. You’d be disappointed. And forget about vertical centering. I’m pretty sure that requires approval from The Council of Elrond.

3. One Style Sheet to Rule Them All
My favorite feature of CSS is the ability to use external style sheets. Instead of having a bunch of style codes at the top of every document, you can have all of your documents point to one external file. In other words, you can keep all of your spells on one scroll. This way you can make a change to one file (your external style sheet), and it will effect anything that’s using that style sheet. (Anything that’s under that spell.)

4. The Future is Bright
Even Microsoft is slowly coming on board the web standards bandwagon. I envision a future where a web designer can focus on designing more and worrying about browser compatibility less.

I think all the ugly coding and technical jargon that goes along with web design acts as a barrier to a lot of creative people who might otherwise revolutionize the industry. If future versions of CSS are more streamlined, and more intuitive, we might just live to see that revolution.

Filed under: Design by Ed 2 Comments »

Topics: CSS, Web Design

You’ll notice a section in my sidebar labeled Word Slingers. I started this section after a bunch of fellow CC addicts fell into a spontaneous link exchange. If you are a writer, or artist, and you would like a link to your site, just leave me a comment here and I’ll see that it happens.

You don’t even have to link back to me if you don’t want to. Of course, I can’t make any promises to keep the guilt monster from eating your legs, but that’s between you and your Karma.

Filed under: Blog by Ed 1 Comment »

Topics: Misc

Posting the Dynamic Overlord Solutions logo got me thinking about my own logo again. I was never that fond of the original logo I was using for this site, so I decided to attempt a redesign. To the left you can see a comparison of the old and new logos. I think the new version is a big improvement.

Of course, once I built my new logo, I had an itch to create some new business cards. Cortisone cream is no good in a case like this, so I got to work. I don’t know when or if I’ll have an opportunity to whip one of these bad boys out, but I’m happy with the result.

Filed under: Design, News by Ed 1 Comment »

Topics: Logos

Here in Phoenix there is a company called General Dynamics. Every time I drive by the building the name tickles my funny bone. It’s the most generic and yet somehow evil sounding name I think I’ve ever encountered in the real world. I have no idea what they do there, but I always envision something you might see taking place in the secret lair of an evil genius.

When I had an assignment to design a newsletter for my electronic publishing class, General Dynamics came to mind. I decided it would be funny to create a newsletter for an openly evil corporation. I didn’t want to besmirch the name of this company, of which I had no real knowledge, so I invented an evil staffing firm. (I often enjoy coming up with fictitious companies.)

Thus was born Dynamic Overlord Solutions, a company that specializes in supplying evil dictators to the corporations of the world. For the purposes of this assignment, I decided that DOS would publish a newsletter called The Quarterly Oppressor, as part of its overall marketing scheme.

I had a great time writing the content for The Oppressor, but I’m also quite amused with the logo. Click here to download a PDF of the completed newsletter.

Filed under: Design, Writing by Ed 4 Comments »

Topics: Logos, School

To quote one of my favorite movies, “bacon tastes good.” Forget fillet mignon; if meat were music, bacon would be the crescendo. Bold statement you say? Well let me ask you this: do they sell tiny bits of fillet mignon to put on your salad? Do they make filet mignon flavored potato chips? Does fillet mignon have any calcite formations named after it? I rest my case.

When Taco Bell brought back its Bacon Club Chalupa it was, for me, something like the Second Coming, except without all that nasty Armageddon business. Unless you count my recurring dreams of bacon bits raining down from the sky. Seemed like rapture to me. Every time it rains here in Phoenix I think my dream is coming true. The rain is brown, but it just doesn’t have that smoky flavor.

I paid a visit to the nearest Taco Bell today. To my horror I discovered that the Bacon Club Chalupa has made good on its limited time only status. I don’t want to live in a world sans Club Chalupa, so I’m asking anyone reading this to write your congressional representatives and beg for some kind of government intervention. We have to let Big Tortilla know it can’t jerk us around like this.

Filed under: Blog by Ed 1 Comment »

Topics: Bacon, Food, Misc

If America’s Funniest Home Videos taught us anything, it’s that this country has a disturbing appetite for testicle abuse. No matter how many variations they played of “man gets hit in the groin”, they still drew laughter. Of course, just because a formula works doesn’t mean it’s worth repeating over and over for twenty years.

Most creative types place a high value on originality. We abhor mindless kick-in-the-crotch humor. We detest pie in the face clichés. Sorry Clown College academics, but a pie in the face is not funny anymore. (Also not funny: clowns.)

Originality is a noble ideal, but attainable only in small increments by most mere mortals. Yet, just because there’s nothing new under the sun doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it the old college try. Avoiding clichés is one of those incremental steps a writer can take toward their noble goal.

When it comes to writing genre fiction, clichés are tricky business. Swords and daggers have sliced up the pages of many a work of fantasy over the years. Does that mean future fantasy authors should keep their writing cutlery free? Probably not. Is magic a cliché, or a staple of the genre? Who can say? (I can, and I say it’s a staple of the genre.)

In my opinion, cliché plot devices are the real land mines. As I navigate my literary battlefield, here are some of the fantasy clichés I would like to avoid.

The Dark Lord/Nameless One
The great nameless evil who wants to consume the world in darkness has been defeated at least once for each of those “hit in the groin” videos ABC has aired, so I think I’ll leave him be.

The Grand Quest to Save the World
Can’t anyone have problems that don’t involve the utter destruction of the universe?

Young and/or Naïve main character from small/isolated village swept up into grand quest to save the world
Clichés exist because they work. This is a good example. What better way to show off all the cool details about your fantasy world than to explain them to your main character. If all your characters are familiar with the world around them, this technique doesn’t make much sense.

But since Frodo left the Shire, fantasy authors have been responsible for the abduction of countless simple farm boys and young villagers. I’ll do my best to leave these poor people to their mundane lives.

The Prophesy of the Chosen One
There are ancient texts that speak of one who will come to defeat the nameless one/bring balance to the force/make me a cheese sandwich. While I’m on the subject, I have to ask, what the hell does “bring balance to the force” even mean? That’s the lamest prophesy ever. Did Anakin actually fulfill that prophesy in the end? No one knows, because it doesn’t mean anything. The prophesy might just as well have said “one day a guy will do some stuff.” But I digress.

Prophesies are the cheapest form of foreshadowing. Often there is no explanation as to where prophesies come from, or why everyone puts so much faith in them. You might as well just put the outline of your novel in the beginning of the book, right after the map.

Filed under: Blog by Ed 6 Comments »

Topics: Fantasy, Writing

L. Frank Baum gave us The Land of Oz. Tolkien gave us Middle Earth. C.S. Lewis gave us Narnia. World building is a time-honored tradition in the fantasy genre. Even fantasy novels set in our own world must establish the rules the fantastic elements of the story must abide, and so must engage in some amount of world building.

I’ve felt the call of my own fictitious world. It urges me to pour evermore detail into its depths, and I oblige it. This is great fun, but without a story to take place in its confines, even the most detailed world is little more than a writing exercise. The trick is to create a story that acts as a window, revealing the details of the world.

I’m not J.K. Rowling. (Although I have been mistaken for a female on more than one occasion. It’s the hair.) If I wrote an encyclopedia outlining my fictitious world, I doubt it would draw much interest from agents or publishers. (On the other hand, if I wrote one outlining her world, I might get all kinds of attention.) At least until I achieve international bestseller status, I think I’ll keep working on those stories.

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Topics: Writing