I was pretty excited a couple of days ago when I checked my stat counter and found that I had 51 hits in a single day! I was much less excited when I figured out that around 40 of those were from browsershots.org, which is a tool to see how your website looks in a variety of different browsers.

Well, this got me thinking about web traffic, and more specifically my lack of it. I average around 10 hits a day, mostly from Google image search. Of course I would like to see the number increase, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I decided it might be fun to look at all the things I could be do to boost my traffic, and why I’m not likely to do them.

1. Post more often
One of the cardinal rules of blogging is to post frequently. Search engines have psychic powers that let them know how frequent a site is updated. Those sites with more frequent updates get higher ranking, which means more hits from the Google fairy.

Why I won’t do it:
Between work, school and all the other obligations of life, I have very little time to blog. As an aspiring writer, I also try to spend time doing odd writing exercises such as, oh I don’t know, writing. Of course writing a blog is writing, but it’s not adding to the word count of my novel.

2. Be more focused
Niche sites can find niche audiences. I have creative schizophrenia, oscillating from photography to graphic design to writing, then back to photography. Throw in my infrequent posts concerning bacon, and you’ve got a recipe for discomblogulation. (Technically, I’ve got the recipe, not you. And since it involves bacon, you better believe it’s delicious.)

Why I won’t do it:
As I said, I have creative schizophrenia. If I only posted about one of my creative pursuits, I would have an even bigger problem with #1 than I do now.

3. Promote, promote, promote
Many “boost your blog traffic” articles will tell you that one of the best ways to get traffic is to run around commenting on other blogs. Anywhere you can get a link back to your site will increase your exposure. Of course there are also things like Twitter, Digg, and all the social networking sites, all of which can help build on your overall web presence.

Why I won’t do it:
Again, this all goes back to time. If I don’t have time to put up a new post every single day, do I really have time to hunt for Myspace friends, or Twitter my every inane thought? Sorry, but traffic just isn’t THAT important to me. If I were trying to make a living off of this, it would be a different story, but right now that stupid little Twitter bird can go find the nearest jet liner.

4. Live in the Now
Google provides a tool that shows the most popular keywords of the moment. Right now, for instance, there are an awful lot of people searching for information about the American Idol wild card. If I put up a post with that phrase in the title, I could probably triple my traffic for the evening. I know this because I put up a post about last minute Halloween costumes at the end of October, and my traffic skyrocketed for about 2 days.

Why I won’t do it:
I don’t even know what the American Idol “wildcard” is, nor do I care. That show jumped the shark about 30 minutes after it first aired. Ever since then it’s done nothing but pump more second-rate musicians into the recording industry. Even if I were a rabid Idol fan, does the world really need more coverage of that vacuous hack factory?

The same goes for most other “topical” subjects. Unless I feel I have something different to contribute, I don’t see the point in adding another opinion to the pile that always develops around the big news story of the day.

Filed under: Blog by Ed 3 Comments »

Topics: Misc, SEO

Some might say I have an unhealthy obsession with Taco Bell. To those people I would say, what other kind of obsession could I have with Taco Bell if not an unhealthy one? I posted about the Bell before when they took away my beloved Bacon Club Chalupa. (I also think of this as they day I became an atheist.)

While I still remain angry with Taco Bell for withholding that blessed bacony goodness, I still make a run for the border once in a while. I went last night, and I’m happy to report that they have redeemed themselves somewhat by introducing another bacon related menu item: The Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch.

I doubt any fast food joint will ever come up with a concoction more delicious than the Bacon Club Chalupa, but the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch is a decent substitute. This might sound like mild praise but, if you consider how good the Club Chalupa was, it’s more like saying I would cut off my little toe just to keep it on the menu. (The Club Chalupa probably ranks somewhere around the big toe, or maybe even a finger.)

Sadly, the fine print under the ads for the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch say “limited time only.” It’s only a matter of time before Taco Bell goes back to being a barren baconless wasteland. Damn you Taco Bell! Damn your cold black hearts!

Filed under: Blog by Ed 2 Comments »

Topics: Bacon, Food, Misc

We thought it might be nice to close out our weekend by taking our dogs on a nice relaxing trip to the park. We had a nice time for about 10 minutes, after which some giant hell beast with a spiked collar comes running up to us. I’m pretty sure that this creature was the spawn of a Rottweiler and a German tank.

Anyway, the tank really just wants to wag its gun barrel at us and play with our dogs. The only problem is that our dogs are over the rainbow, crazy. The little one, Lily, turns into some kind of whirling dervish, yapping her head off and nearly pulling out of her leash before I can scoop her into my arms. Our slightly larger dog, Molly, thinks we are being attacked by a Nazi K9, and also goes ballistic.

The idiot who owns Hitler’s long lost puppy stands about 15 feet away with a look of horror on her face, being as helpful as a turd on a stick. Valerie and I try to walk away with our dogs in our arms, but the tank keeps advancing. Molly is making sounds that can only be described as an air raid siren mixed with the sound Satan would make if he stubbed his toe.

I’m a very mellow guy. I’m usually as tranquil as a bucket of valium on a deserted beach. But this moron and her out of control dog really damaged my calm. I start scaring the fragile psyches of all the nearby children with a hand grenade of obscenities hurled at the idiot, who is still standing in the distance like a mannequin.

We finally mange to get away, but our trip was ruined. The moral of the story is: keep your dog on a leash! Unless it’s a dog park, you can bet that there is a sign posted somewhere requiring all pets to be on a leash. You are not special. Just because you think your dog is well behaved doesn’t mean you don’t have to follow the rules. Even if your dog has the discipline of a service animal, that doesn’t mean all the other dogs at the park are equally well trained.  So get your head out of your ass, and put your dog on a leash.

Filed under: Blog by Ed 1 Comment »

Topics: Dogs, Misc

Maybe you’ve been obsessing over the economic crisis. It could be that you’ve been mesmerized by the talking heads bloviating about the election. Perhaps you’ve just awakened from a month long bender. Whatever your excuse, Halloween has snuck up on you, and you don’t have a costume.

When time and money are short, it’s time to get creative. Here are some costumes you can put together in no time for next to nothing.

5. Ghost
That’s right, just grab a white sheet and cut out a couple of holes to see through. This is the quintessential Halloween costume. Don’t listen to the fashionistas who will say you are unoriginal, and possibly a racist.

4. Vampire
Chances are you can find a ready made Dracula costume at most dollar stores. All you really need is a cape and some fake teeth. You could always file your own teeth down with a Dremel, but that might impede your future career options.

3. Wall Street Fat Cat
See previous costume

2. Jackson Pollack Painting
Just splatter your clothes with the cheapest paint your can find. If anyone says your costume looks crappy, tell them they are just too stupid to understand it.

1. Homeless person
Times are tough right now, and I’m sure you could find any number of homeless people who would be willing to trade clothes with you.

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Topics: Halloween, Humor, Misc

My girlfriend forwarded me this link, and I was just as appalled as she was. If you are a pet owner, or just an animal lover, I encourage you check out this blog, and be weary of purchasing anything made by Four Paws Inc.

Filed under: Blog by Ed 1 Comment »

Topics: Misc

I decided to join the masses and create a MySpace profile. I’ll be using a plug-in app called iRead to display some of my favorite books, and short book reviews.

Check out my profile at : www.myspace.com/erellsworth

If you have your own profile, I’d be happy to add you to my friends list.

Filed under: Blog, News by Ed No Comments »

Topics: Misc

I’ve survived the first week of my summer math class. It’s only one class, but it’s accelerated to fit in the summer term, so I have to go 4 days a week. Between work, the class itself, homework (about 3 hours a night), and another online class I’m taking, I’ve had exactly two minutes of relaxation all week.

The class involves our teacher yelling at us for 2 hours while he slashes at the board with a dry erase marker. At first I thought the yelling was part of some kind of condition, like chronic jerk syndrome or something of the like. It turns out that a wrestling opponent ruptured his left eardrum sometime in high school. I’m guessing his indoor voice died sometime shortly after.

I no longer think he’s a jerk. The jury is still out on whether or not he’s a good teacher. Ok, so the verdict is already decided, but the jury won’t hand it in, as they’ve taken a liking to sequestration. (Look at me; I learned a new word today!)

I will, however, give you my verdict on the textbook; it’s a waste of 80 bucks. How they can justify charging that much for a ream of paper stuffed into a 3 ring binder is beyond me. It’s also the worst textbook I’ve ever encountered. 600 complex practice problems to 1simplistic example is not a good ratio.

With all those equations swimming through my head I haven’t written much over the past 5 days. This weekend I’m hoping to catch up a bit. While my brain is still wallowing in arithmetic, I may just hammer out some more details of the rules of magic for my fantasy world. Hopefully that will help wrench my brain out of math mode and into word mode, which I find much more pleasant. (Also pleasant: pie ala mode. Mmm…pie.)

Filed under: Blog by Ed 2 Comments »

Topics: Misc, School

You’ll notice a section in my sidebar labeled Word Slingers. I started this section after a bunch of fellow CC addicts fell into a spontaneous link exchange. If you are a writer, or artist, and you would like a link to your site, just leave me a comment here and I’ll see that it happens.

You don’t even have to link back to me if you don’t want to. Of course, I can’t make any promises to keep the guilt monster from eating your legs, but that’s between you and your Karma.

Filed under: Blog by Ed 1 Comment »

Topics: Misc

To quote one of my favorite movies, “bacon tastes good.” Forget fillet mignon; if meat were music, bacon would be the crescendo. Bold statement you say? Well let me ask you this: do they sell tiny bits of fillet mignon to put on your salad? Do they make filet mignon flavored potato chips? Does fillet mignon have any calcite formations named after it? I rest my case.

When Taco Bell brought back its Bacon Club Chalupa it was, for me, something like the Second Coming, except without all that nasty Armageddon business. Unless you count my recurring dreams of bacon bits raining down from the sky. Seemed like rapture to me. Every time it rains here in Phoenix I think my dream is coming true. The rain is brown, but it just doesn’t have that smoky flavor.

I paid a visit to the nearest Taco Bell today. To my horror I discovered that the Bacon Club Chalupa has made good on its limited time only status. I don’t want to live in a world sans Club Chalupa, so I’m asking anyone reading this to write your congressional representatives and beg for some kind of government intervention. We have to let Big Tortilla know it can’t jerk us around like this.

Filed under: Blog by Ed 1 Comment »

Topics: Bacon, Food, Misc

Last night I finished my rewrite of The Bleam Corp Annual Chili Cook-Off. I’ve bestowed the tale with a new ending (sans the Deus ex machina), and lopped off about 1k words. A small part of me will miss the random closet full of weapons that somehow made its way into a bean cannery, but the new ending makes a lot more sense. Does that make me a sellout? Probably.

In other news, I finally took my college placement test today. I’ve been putting it off, taking only the classes that didn’t require the test beforehand. It’s only a community college admissions exam, but I still have to brag that I qualified for Honors English. I received the maximum score possible in both reading and writing.

Of course, I offset that accolade with a “they let you out without a handler?” score in the math section. Not to make excuses or anything, but I haven’t been in a math class in about seven years. You know how high school math teachers always try to convince you that you’ll end up holding a cardboard sign for a living, if you don’t learn algebra? Well that’s a filthy lie. You can quote me on that.

That math class I took so many years ago was a breeze. I had no trouble understanding the concepts. So if I understood it so well back then, why do those problems now appear to me like some vaguely familiar acquaintance from kindergarten? The reason is that I’ve never needed to use those skills outside the classroom.

The truth is that most people only need a solid understanding of basic arithmetic, and possibly some algebra. Granted there are many fields that might require you to make sense of a complicated mathematical jambalaya, but there are just as many, if not more, that only serve up tomato soup.

Photo courtesy ugaldew

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Topics: Misc, School, Writing